Alan performs the mime:"Trapped in a glass box of irrelevance"
Yes…he’s back. Looking resplendent in a lilac shirt with a white collar that delightfully off-set the strange fudgy hue of his skin, wor Alan has clearly enjoyed his time away from the bearpit of Match of the Day punditry. However, in spite of the break he was match fit and on top form for his debut on his eponymous blog. He got in to it early doors; when asked for his opinion on the stramash involving Newcastle United, his insight gained from the ambassadorial role at the club shone forth in the determinist observation: “I think something has to happen“
We were then treated to a sermon on one of Alan’s favourite themes- violence. Seasoned Shearer-watchers will remember that he has previously suggested that Wayne Rooney “stick one” on Ronaldo (presumably a punch, and not an “I tried hard today!” sticker) and, when pressed for how he would motivate England when losing to Croatia at Wembley, dispensed the tactical blueprint of “gerrin’ stuck inter ‘em”. But Alan speaks as a victim as well: thanks to YouTube, surely no-one can forget the time that Neil Lennon violently headbutted Alan’s studs?
Kevin Cyril Davies’ latest assault in his Sisyphean campaign against Arsenal was dismissed as “Very hard…committed but fair“, with Alan claiming that “momentum” was the problem; not Davies’ wilful disregard for conventional timing, and the boring “squares” who say you should tackle with one foot and not follow through on your opponent and take them out of the game. Of course, I’m sure Alan was kept awake with the nagging thought that momentum results from Davies’ mass and velocity (p=mv, shout out to my Physics crew HOLLA), the former of which was certainly impressive. It is strange to think back to the spry and wiry Kevin Davies of Southampton, skipping through the Everton defence with gay abandon; nowhere to be found online, that goal has become the Portrait of Dorian Gray hidden in Kevin’s attic.
Shearer was ably assisted by Mark Lawrenson- the Salacious B. Crumb to his Jabba- and the need to justify their bloke credentials could not have been more blatant unless we had come back from the Blackburn vs Fulham game to find them idly measuring each other’s appendages. Of course, such an event is the kind of thing Mark Lawrenson may well associate with “jessies“. If one thing can come of today, it is that the Jessies and the Geeks can put aside their past differences and form an Anti-Lawrenson coalition.
