“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem” – Woody Allen

A troublesome showing from wor Alan this week. After a stellar season debut last week, he now seems distant, petulant and uncomfortable; it was like watching a man who was completely unsuited to media work, rather than the man who we know and love who is triumphantly unaware that he is completely unsuited to media work.

The problems began after watching Newcastle; this statement is invariably true. Perhaps affected by the ongoing troubles of “His” club, Alan twice stumbled on the pronunciation of the word “confidence”- which he rendered as “conference” and, ironically, began to lose confidence. I took the liberty of transcribing his comments over the VT of Blackburn’s first goal:

“It’s a…it’s a..er..wide..em ball in. Samba, and um..Samba. Decent header“.

Breaking this down, the first thing that stands out is the repetition. Insanity is said to be repeatedly doing the same thing expecting different results, and while that is certainly true of Newcastle’s play, Alan’s mild indignation is not going to stop Samba getting on the end of that free kick. Ultimately though, the final sentence betrays a sense of resignation and grudging respect; for the finish at least, if not for verbs.

Alan was possibly affected by the presence of Hansen, the man who truly embodies the inimitable qualities of Alan-ness. Clearly missing his favoured plaything Mark Lawrenson to idly paw at, Shearer was rocked early by Hansen’s bullish presentation of a compilation of Rob “Furious” Styles’ Greatest Penalty Mistakes. This briefly roused Shearer into a diatribe on Styles’ refusal to admit his mistake to prove that “he’s man enough“, but just as quickly he lapsed back into helplessness, plaintively adding “But they don’t come out and say that. Why?”.

The superiority of Hansen was cemented when he openly laughed in Shearer’s face at the opinion that West Bbrom could have scored more, cutting him dead with the drippingly sarcastic  “Yeah, definitely“, which could only have been worse had he then done an impression of a disabled person and said “DURRR, BY NABE IS ALAN SHEE-A-RURR“, while attempting to lick his elbow. A nervously giggling Gary Lineker then talked over the league table (as if we can’t read), and Alan was left too broken to even groan at the headscratchingly bad “Geovanni / Nirvana” pun. My only hope is that this is an early trail for a new BBC documentary series in which Geovanni Deiberson Maurício Gómez conducts a lively debate on the concept of nirvana. The series will see him tackle all the big questions:

• Why don’t referees come out and explain their decisions eh? Are they scared that they will get a selective highlight package of all their mistakes?
• How can nirvana be “consciousness without surface”- being at one with everything, yet also the void?
• And how did I, Geovanni Deiberson Maurício Gómez, piss it all away at Barcelona and Benfica, then end up at Hull?

What Alan Shearer Knows

Alan performs the mime:"Trapped in a glass box of irrelevance"

Yes…he’s back. Looking resplendent in a lilac shirt with a white collar that delightfully off-set the strange fudgy hue of his skin, wor Alan has clearly enjoyed his time away from the bearpit of Match of the Day punditry. However, in spite of the break he was match fit and on top form for his debut on his eponymous blog. He got in to it early doors; when asked for his opinion on the stramash involving Newcastle United, his insight gained from the ambassadorial role at the club shone forth in the determinist observation: “I think something has to happen“

We were then treated to a sermon on one of Alan’s favourite themes- violence. Seasoned Shearer-watchers will remember that he has previously suggested that Wayne Rooney “stick one” on Ronaldo (presumably a punch, and not an “I tried hard today!” sticker) and, when pressed for how he would motivate England when losing to Croatia at Wembley, dispensed the tactical blueprint of “gerrin’ stuck inter ‘em”. But Alan speaks as a victim as well: thanks to YouTube, surely no-one can forget the time that Neil Lennon violently headbutted Alan’s studs?

Kevin Cyril Davies’ latest assault in his Sisyphean campaign against Arsenal was dismissed as “Very hard…committed but fair“, with Alan claiming that “momentum” was the problem; not Davies’ wilful disregard for conventional timing, and the boring “squares” who say you should tackle with one foot and not follow through on your opponent and take them out of the game. Of course, I’m sure Alan was kept awake with the nagging thought that momentum results from Davies’ mass and velocity (p=mv, shout out to my Physics crew HOLLA), the former of which was certainly impressive. It is strange to think back to the spry and wiry Kevin Davies of Southampton, skipping through the Everton defence with gay abandon; nowhere to be found online, that goal has become the Portrait of Dorian Gray hidden in Kevin’s attic.

Shearer was ably assisted by Mark Lawrenson- the Salacious B. Crumb to his Jabba- and the need to justify their bloke credentials could not have been more blatant unless we had come back from the Blackburn vs Fulham game to find them idly measuring each other’s appendages. Of course, such an event is the kind of thing Mark Lawrenson may well associate with “jessies“. If one thing can come of today, it is that the Jessies and the Geeks can put aside their past differences and form an Anti-Lawrenson coalition.

What David Pleat Knows

A sweet slice of nonsense from David “Mr Punch” Pleat; upon witnessing Lampard sclaff a sitter wide, he chanced what he imagines is a truism:

“If you don’t get in that box, you ain’t gonna score goals“,

sadly negating the career of Tony Yeboah.

Buoyed by that, he then added: “He probably hits it too well really“.

Which is correct, he picked out the advertising board a treat.

Alan Hansen’s Abstract Noun of the Week

Je voudrais un plat du merde; sans fourchette

This week’s Match of the Day was brought to you by the word:

COMPOSURE

and the number 14, for Theo Walcott.

A tricky situation for Hansen here, as he had to basically admit that he had been very wrong. Which he did manage, but with the expression of a man who had been handed a plate of shit, and no fork.

Welcome to What Alan Shearer Knows About Football

…or WASKAF as all the kids are doubtless already calling it.

I’ve been moaning for years. Privately sniping, shouting back at the television in futility, sending snarky texts to friends. I imagine you have been doing much the same? More television time is dedicated to football then ever, yet the paucity and poverty of ambition in such reporting is at an all-time low. But like my homeboy Howard Beale, I’m mad as hell and not going to take this any more. The tipping point was Mr Shearer recently pointing out that opportunistic striker Jermain Defoe- as a striker- was “useful in the box”. In and around the box. Yes, the box. You know, 18 yards? Where he takes opportunities. Like strikers usually do.

It is debatable whether Shearer is the worst, but he does have a particular brand of stating the obvious which makes his pronouncements worth transcribing in black and white. Over the season I will open it out to guest posts on other broadcasting luminaries.

Unfortunately, I have decided to begin this blog in an international week where the BBC is unlikely to even have highlights. So short of waking up Wor Alan in the middle of the night to pick his brains, I will just wait until the next Match of the Day. or MOTD, as no-one calls it.